I lied to someone I really love today. And it wasn’t the lie itself or any fear that I will be caught that concerns me; it’s the fact that I did it at all.
As a sociopath existing in a prosocial world, I work very hard to maintain boundaries for myself. I do this because if I don’t, I will spend my entire life fighting my demons alone. And here’s the tricky part: I don’t mind being alone. So this threat of solitude doesn’t work by itself. Instead I have to remind myself that I have chosen a life of marriage and children and friends and family.
These people know who I am and they accept me. In return I keep a close eye on my dark side and keep her in check, especially where they are concerned. I don’t lie or steal from them and I don’t do anything that would cause them pain. It’s sort of a code I live by.
Except today I told a lie.
It didn’t happen accidentally. I’ve been feeling these tremors. They were subtle at first but now they are coming in waves. The dark side of myself wants out and it’s getting more difficult to keep her in. This usually happens when changes are happening in my life and this time is no exception.
I know that I told this lie to avoid catastrophe, similar to the way engineers open pressure valves to prevent nuclear reactors from exploding. But now I’m wondering if it’s going to be enough.
For most people lying is terrible. It makes them feel nervous and guilty and worried that they are going to be caught. They can’t wait to either come clean or bury their dishonesty so deep that they don’t have to think about it anymore. But for me it’s the complete opposite.
I feel nothing about the fact that I told a lie. But it’s more than that. It’s like an ocean of nothingness. Here I am living this life, developing these relationships, enjoying the perks. But then all I have to do is glance behind the door of my sociopathic personality and I’m reminded of just how easy it is to feel nothing. And it feels safe and quiet and bursting with the most glorious solitude: being and nothingness.
I guess we’ll see what happens.