Seconds after my son was born I promised I would never lie to him. Seconds after that I realized I already had. So I turned one of the pages of his baby book into a testimonial: a record of every lie I would tell. I figured if I couldn’t stop myself from lying I could at least keep myself accountable. Here are some highlights:

– I told you “Giggles and Hugs” was closed (not really a lie because it should have been closed).

– I told you I didn’t know where the bubbles were.

– I told you I texted Keegan’s mom to set up a playdate. This didn’t happen, but only because Keegan’s mom is insufferable. She always brings her 3 other kids and constantly asks for snacks.

– I let you think the girl in the pictures taken at the hospital after you were born is your current babysitter, when really it’s the daughter of the woman my father used to be married to that we don’t talk to anymore because the woman cheated on my dad with her personal trainer and the kid chose sides (again technically not a lie).

– I told you I was going to work when I really went up on the roof and sat there for a half hour.

– After we boarded the plane I told you little kids weren’t allowed when you asked if we could sit in first class, but really it was because we couldn’t afford it.

– I told you I’d consider it when you insisted we name your brother “Robert Luke Skywalker.”

– I told you I didn’t know why the kid at the park was crying, when I knew it was because I snatched one of his toys away and threw it in the industrial dumpster after he shoved you so hard you fell off the jungle gym.